Another day another hospital visit

So I’ve just got back from my mum’s stayed at her overnight because she picked me up from the hospital early this morning (3am).

I was feeling like I was breathing in acid last night (all burning down my throat and into my lungs when breathing) so I rang my on site support worker and she came up to help with the call to 111 the non emergency NHS advice number. We rang then and they said they’d get a nurse to ring me back. The nurse rang back saying they could book me an appointment for 11pm (was around 9 at this point) but I couldn’t get there. So I had to wait for another nurse to ring me back.

While waiting for the second nurse to call me back I fell off my sofa and started having a tic fit on this floor. Went down like a sack of  shit and hit the deck. My support worker was still there and she rang an ambulance but she couldn’t leave me like that and I was feeling unwell anyway.

The ambulance came quite quickly and was there within 15 mins of it starting. They were with me for 3 1/2 hours and eventually when it wasn’t stopping, I was in a ton of pain and still convulsing they decided I needed to go to the hospital so one of them went to request another crew to get me down the stairs safely and the other one put a cannula into my hand (not an easy task as I have shit veins and was flipping around on the floor like a boneless fish.) I was very impressed as he did it on the first attempt. Although they weren’t allowed to give me any pain meds because of my breathing issues when I was having paralysis tics (I don’t breathe when I’m having them) and they couldn’t give me any diazepam to make it stop because I was still responsive. So really it was pointless. Really frustrating (for them and me), they were lovely and I tried to keep smiling or at least not crying but in the end I did end up in tears. I was in agony and I just couldn’t stop.

They were so helpful and I appreciated that they were honest that they’d never seen one before and didn’t know what to do.

They had to strap me in really tight to the evacuation chair to get my out of my flat and into the ambulance, this was very triggering but I knew it was necessary and I just wanted it to be over.

So we were in the ambulance in the way to hospital and I kept just saying please tell me they’ll do something to help, I can’t do this anymore.

Got to the hospital was at the ambulance reception for about 15 minutes , they were debating about whether to send me to resusitation or not because of how high my heart rate had been for so long. They couldn’t get a reading on my blood pressure but I was breaking blood vessels it was that high.  In the end I didn’t end up in resus I ended up in a corridor of a&e along with around 20 other people in a row on beds. Still convulsing.

I was transferred onto the hospital bed off the ambulance bed. I felt quite vulnerable and alone. And of course very pained and exhausted.

About an hour later my body’s convulsing slow and eventually stopped. A single tear escaped down my cheek It was done, finally. I couldn’t even lift my head as I didn’t have the energy. (I had been convulsing for 4 1/2 hours. Anyone would be exhausted after that) I laid there for about 15 minutes paralyzed with fatigue, when I had finally recovered enough to lift my head I called my mum. I used Facebook call as I had no phone service. She was asleep but got dressed and left for the hospital.

I discharged myself as I knew I’d just be there for a few more hours have nothing done and be let home. So I thought I’d skip a few hours of pointless waiting. Plus I was being very noisy and people were staring at me.

They took my cannula out and I went to my mum’s for the night.

I’ve just really had enough of these fits, the past few weeks I’ve been having on average 2 a day. And every couple of days I’ll have a severe one. I need something to at least reduce them. Going to speak to my doctor tomorrow about a meds increase of something, anything that can be done to help.

Also going to speak to my care coordinator in the morning about an emergency alarm like a pendant alarm so that I can get help when I need it.

Still no six pack from all the crunches I do when I’m fitting. I really do deserve one.

Guess who disappeared off the face of the earth again (spoiler alert: it was me)

I would say I won’t abandon you guys again like I have but I more than likely will, my memory is shit. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to write for about a week and a half but I’ve just been too tired to write more than a sentence or 2. Which doesn’t give a lot of room for an explanation and an update.

I’ve been exhausted recently. Like I’ll sleep for hours sometimes in the night, have a sleep that 6 months ago I could of only dreamed of. And then in the morning I’ll wake up and within 2-3 hours I’ll be exhausted, like ready not only for a nap but for another full nights sleep. Some days I’ll wake up at like 2pm and then go back to bed at 8pm. I’m constantly knackered. And sleep hasn’t been consistently good either, some nights I’ll be really tired but not sleepy, like I don’t have the energy to walk up the stairs but I’ll not be able to sleep. It’s to the point of when I have a tic fit in the night and end up on my bedroom floor, I don’t have the energy to get back onto my bed. I’ve been sleeping on my bedroom floor A LOT. Some nights I don’t have the energy to even lift my head. And that’s super frustrating.

Shamefully I don’t have the energy to get up to go to the toilet in the night sometimes, so I’ve been peeing myself because I can’t get to the bathroom quick enough, and that’s dehumanizing for me. I feel like a baby. It’s so bad that I’m considering investing in some adult diapers. Purely for the reason that I hate having me and my room stinking like piss and having to change my bedding all the time, wasting more energy that I can’t afford to lose. So I’m thinking I might just have to swallow my pride and buy some. The main issue I have with this is that so far I’ve managed to deal with that issue mainly by myself, so I’m finding the idea of having to tell someone how bad it is really embarrassing, after all I’m 18 not 100. So having to consider that sucks. Really sucks.

I’ve also been finding simple things impossible, like to get dressed in the morning it can take me around half an hour. And when I go to the toilet, I sit down and do my business, and then when I pull my pants back up I have to sit back down on the toilet for a minute or 2 just to rest. So I’m finding it easier for the bathroom situation to wear skirts. Every simple thing I do in my day is taking longer and more energy to do.

I’m in a lot of pain recently, my knee’s, right side of my hip, right shoulder, and back are the main pain spots but I also have been having chest and neck pain and some pain in my wrists. I’m not currently on any pain meds but I’m looking into getting some. I don’t want to take even more pills but I also don’t want to be wincing every step I take up the stairs. It hurts a lot. Some days I’ll avoid coming down stairs for simple things like food and water and human company because the stairs are just too painful. I’ve been to the doctors to see why they think I’m so tired and I also mentioned about my pain levels. I miss the days I used to be able to like go out for the day and not have to stop all the time or go home early because I’m too tired to carry on.

I’ve sadly had one of my guinea pigs, piglet pass away on the 23rd June, which was quite frankly heart-breaking. I’ve had him cremated and he’s together with his best friend and ex cage mate bear. And my remaining guinea pig, goose has been in and out of the vets. I’m struggling to afford the vet trips financially so that’s hard. And I think I’m dealing with this even worse because I was staying at my mums when piglet passed away and goose got injured. So yeah that’s been rough.

I haven’t done any studying in nearly a month, and when I last did do some, it was about 3 pages. I’m loads behind but haven’t got the concentration or energy to do any at the moment. All together I’ve done 3 pages in the best part of 3 months. I went 2 months without even logging on.

I’ve had nights since piglet passed away that I’ve just spent staring at my razor wanting nothing more than to cut, so how I haven’t is nothing short of a miracle.

Things are a bit shit really, the only positive thing I’ve had to look forward to for months is going to visit my best friend in Canada, but I’m trying to hold on to that. I’ve been spending most of my waking hours planning the trip, learning basic French, looking at activities and flights. I’m really hoping that nothing stops me from going because I think that might be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I’ll try and update more often but please try to be understanding if I can’t. I won’t make it a promise because I’d break it.

With love and dinosaur hugs

Alanis x

Happy international tourettes awareness day! :)

So i’ve been trying to figure out what to put about this all day. And i still have no idea so i’m just going to go with it, today is international tourettes awareness day. Hope you’ve all had a fantastic day whatever you’ve been doing. I have tourettes personally and i have had it for a few years now, although i was only diagnosed last year in september. And it’s been a roller-coaster for sure. I’ve had tics for a long time now but they started to increase in the intensity in april/may 2016. I can only assume that this was due to moving from my long term care home to another care placement about 80 miles away from my family. It was obviously really stressful for me and i found it very difficult to adjust. This was the first time my tics really gave me any problems, although i can remember having tics pre-teen years.

So a couple of months after moving to the rochdale area i started having tic fits. Which if you don’t know, for me it’s like a tourettes seizure. I’m awake throughout the entirity of it (unless i somehow manage to knock myself out, which has happened before), but i can’t control any of my bodies movements. Thankfully though i can control some/most of my speech, which not everyone can. I can convulse and look like i’m an epileptic. These periods normally end up with me rolling around on the floor like a boneless fish. They can be relatively short and only last 20-30 minutes or they can be a lot longer. The longest fit i’ve had to date was around 8 1/2 hours long. But that was before i was on medication for my tics, while being on medication the longest i’ve had was over 6 hours long. It’s exhausting and mentally very challanging. It’s painful and it pushes you to your limit. It doesn’t matter where i am they can come on at any time. Thankfully i get some warning MOST of the time before my fits start. It’s really scary when i don’t though, but when i do they normally allow me to get to the safest place possible. But it’s never 100% safe. It’s difficult at the best of times, especially seeing as i have fits nearly every night without fail and they usually start when i lie down to go to sleep. And it’s even more difficult because of the fact that when i have them in my room it’s impossible to let the staff at my care home know i need some extra support from them. And i’ve still not quite gotten used to wetting myself on my bedroom floor at 4am because i’ve needed to pee for the past 3 hours and i couldn’t hold it in anymore. So yeah tics intensifing to this point is really difficult for me.

Something i think a lot of people don’t know about tourettes is, i can hold my tics in. Like i don’t reccomend anyone holding in their tics though. Here’s why…..

• It hurts like a witch with the letter b. (See what i did there, lol such a comedian)
• I can’t concentrate on anything else that well when i’m trying to suppress.
• I have to tic eventually and it’s usually a lot louder and more extreme than if i’d just done it in the beggining to start with.
• I don’t truly need to most of the time, like if i’m at the shop it’s not going to kill me to shout out a random word or phrase every couple of seconds.
• It’s likely to end up in me having a longer, more painful tic fit later.

I think the most difficult thing to deal with though isn’t the physical pain that i’m constantly in from my tics and from holding in and suppressing my tics, it’s other people’s reactions. People can be so so cruel. And i’ve had a lot of varied reactions, from being asked to stop even when i’ve explained i can’t help it, to being called a liar and getting told i’m faking it. And my most memorable reaction when i was in an interview  was the interviewer pointing her cross around her neck at me and trying to excorsise me, in the middle of an interview. Yeah i’ve had em all. It’s rough and it does some days make me not want to leave my room, never mind my house becuase i’m worried about people’s reactions.

I hate how tourettes has changed the person i was going to be but i love how it’s changed the person i’m going to become. For example for a long time before my diagnosis i was wanting to be a dog handler in the army. Now this is an issue for me because if we were trying to ‘lay low’ and i shout out chicken nugget, i could get us all killed. But it’s made me more compassionate and creative and has made me start working harder to achieve my dreams.

It’s completely unpredictable and you never know how your days going to be. Less than a week ago for example i was at the manchester tourettes support group and started the day off meeting new people, less than 3 hours later i was fitting on the floor and a few hours after that my carer was ringing for an ambulance because my fit wasn’t stopping. But then other days i can go a full day without having a fit and that’s a massive win. It’s different every single day.

All in all if someone said here’s a magic pill and it’ll take away your tourettes, i wouldn’t take it. But if someone said here’s a magic pill and it’ll take away all the prejudice and stigma around it and it’ll take away the pain you go through. Well then i’d bite their arm off.

So at the end of Tourettes Awareness day 2018 i want to ask anyone reading this to be kind. Behind the tics are a whole other story. And this is all just stuff directly related to Tourette Sndrome (TS) not even touching on the co-morbid conditions that normally come with it. And for the love of god don’t joke about it, because it’s far from funny.

With love and dinosaur hugs

Alanis x

TW TW TW Wasting away TW TW TW

TW TW TW TALKS OF EATING DISORDERS DON’T READ IF YOU THINK THIS MAY TRIGGER YOU IN ANY WAY! TW TW TW

 

So i have a friend online who lives in England, like me.  I love her like hell. We’ve been speaking for a while now and she’s the most amazing person ever. I care about her so so much. She has anorexia nervosa binge/purge sub type.  And she’s been struggling with her eating disorder for a while, years in fact. I speak to her on a forum and if you go back over her posts you can see her decline. And it sucks. Like I’ve never known her when she was healthy and happy. I’ve never known her when she was either. And that’s really hard. It’s hard to know that if she wasn’t going through this pain then we would’ve never encountered each other. Like i’m glad we’ve ‘met’ but god i wish it wasn’t in this way. 

 

She terrifies me on a daily basis. If she posts she scares me, because will this be the last time I ever hear from her? If she doesn’t post she terrifies me, scares me shittless, whatever way you want me to put it. Because i’m scared that it’s because she’s gone. That she’s not with us anymore. And that’s difficult, because you can’t constantly be thinking that, but at the same time you have to be realistic. She could die at any moment, that’s the stage it’s got to. 

 

And the hardest part is that she doesn’t want to survive it. She doesn’t want to recover, to get better. I remember one time i spoke to her and i was trying to get her to understand but in a different way. I said that ‘at some point you have to decide whether your will to live is stronger than your will to destroy yourself.’ I s’pose i was trying to get the response that she wants to live but it’s too hard to recover. At which point I and other people would jump in with the we’re all here to support you, you can do this, it’s going to be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but you can do it, you got this. But that didn’t happen. She told me that her will to destroy herself is stronger than her will to survive. Which was difficult to hear. She posted yesterday about the fact that she’s sorted out a funeral plan, this makes me sad. It’s like she’s already accepted how this will end and she doesn’t even care. I get that when it’s in regards to me. I know how i can just lie there waiting for death to finally take me. But i would see such a loss if she was to die from this.  I see so much love and hope and potential for a future when it comes to her. I just want her to see it too. 

 

I’m hoping to go down to visit her soon, it’d be great to spend some time with her in person. But i’m also scared to see how emaciated and ill she is. 

 

I know if she doesn’t want to get better and recover, that it doesn’t matter what i say and/or do. I know that. And i’m also sadly beginning to see that this is unlikely to end well. I’ve not in any way, shape or form given up, and i don’t think i ever will. I think i’ll fight the situation until her dying breath. I think it would be easier in some regards to give up, because then at least i wouldn’t be putting all my strength into this when it’s not going to have have a happy ending. It would be easier in some ways to be able to detach myself from the whole situation, but i can’t. I want to help. And i can’t. 

 

I was speaking to my mental health nurse about her the other week. And he said to me, you need to give up on something that’s not going to work. You need to focus on yourself. She’s really not going to get better, do you honestly believe she can survive this? And it really pissed me off, like how could he view this as a hopeless situation. She’s a person at the end of the day. As long as there is oxygen in her lungs and she has a beating heart, i’m going to try and help to save her. And if it doesn’t work, than at least i can know that i tried, that i kept on fighting for her even when she wasn’t fighting for herself. And in answer to his question a part of me does think she can survive this. So as long as i still have that part inside of me, i can’t give up hope. And if i focus on myself here, how could i cope with the idea that i could have done more. I couldn’t. 

 

My heart hurts, this is such a shit situation  but I will continue to try and i will continue to hope because really, what other option do i have? 

With love and dinosaur hugs

Alanis x

The ramblings of a bulimic mid binge.

23:38

So I’ve been binging and purging all day. And I’m planning my next couple of days worth of it. It seems my entire day is always about food. Which is frustrating because I have a really long list as long as my arm of shit I need to get done. But all that I’m even remotely interested in is binging until I feel like I want to die. And then purging until I’m crying, nose running, feel like I’m about to pass out, and again I want to die.

I have struggled with an eating disorder for many years now. I’ve been through anorexia nervosa for the first couple of years starting out as restrictive subtype, then changing to anorexia binge purge subtype. Then what I’ve been dealing with for the most of it is bulimia nervosa.

Its hell. Living breathing hell. You not only have to worry about the physical symptoms. Eg: heart problems, stomach rupture (a really nasty death common in bulimics), cancer (yep cancer is a common side effect of bulimia), esophagus getting holes burned in it (again a really nasty death common in bulimics), electrolyte imbalances (that can kill you), hair falling out, looking like shit constantly, throwing up blood due to internal bleeding, toith loss, laxative abuse, all the fun stuff. (Sarcasm) But you also have the issues of mental side effects. Paranoia, Lying to the people you care about, depression, anxiety, crying yourself to sleep every single night, suicidal thoughts, self harming in other ways, addiction, yeah its a mess. I could literally write war and peace (a seriously long book) on how shitty it is.

Its shames me to admit that even while I’ve been writing this I’ve been binging.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

13:58

Monday 9th April 2018

So I wrote the above last night. I didn’t post it because I was too busy, binging and purging. So I feel like I should finish and post it now.

I’m still binging. I took a couple of hours break to sleep but I’m now back at it. I feel like my life is worthless nower days. All I do is binge, purge, hate myself, tic and make movements and sounds that I can’t control, want to cut, and wish life was different. That is literally a summary of my life.

So I’m going downstairs now as I’ve ran out of food upstairs. I’m going to go binge on everything in sight.

This shit makes me feel so guilty. Like I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away. She’s got anorexia b/p (binge/purge) subtype. And I feel so fucking guilty. Because I keep on giving her advice and begging her to seek help. And to go inpatient. All the while binging and purging myself into an Early grave. And it fucking sucks. She’s got a bmi so low that I worry that every time I speak to her it’ll be the last. Frankly, no disrespect, but I’m amazed she’s still alive.

I don’t want to be like this. Trust me I don’t. I’m missing out on my teenage years. The best years of my life. Why? Because I’m addicted to the pain caused and the wounds inflicted. Inflicted by who? ME! If its not binging and purging, its self harm in other ways,  it never fucking stops. And I’m fed up of it. I’m quite literally throwing all of my dreams, hopes and potential down the toilet. And I can’t stop.

If anyone relates to any single thing in this post, then I’m so god damn sorry. I’m so sorry that you are going through this shit. You honestly don’t deserve it. No one does.

With love and dinosaur hugs

Alanis x

TW Like a fucking Dalmatian TW

Trigger warning: Contains talk of ligatures and suicide. Do not read if you feel like this may trigger you.

I’m sorry that I haven’t checked in for a while. Things have been a bit shitty. I look like a fucking damnation currently. Let me explain. I was really struggling last night and I was seriously desperate to cut. I’d tried talking to people, I’d tried distracting myself, I’d tried crying. Nothing was helping. So instead of cutting g i decided that I would ligature. I use the word decided very loosely as I didn’t really think it through. For those who aren’t self harmers or anything like that, ligaturing is when you tie things around your neck. A suspended ligature is when you hang/try to hang yourself. This one was a non suspended ligature though. Anyway this one was really tight, so its left my face in a bit of a mess. When you have a tight ligature on or you have a very violent purge  it bursts blood vessels in your face. Which consequently has left me looking like a Dalmatian.

I tried too add a picture but couldn’t figure it out on my tablet.

Its not a good look.

And in the care home that I’m in everyone knows what the Dalmatian look means, so until it goes away I’m having to do the walk of shame everywhere. Im ashamed that I couldn’t keep my shit together and that I faltered.

I really want to kill myself. But I can’t. I can’t physically do it because people always stop me, they cut ligatures off of my neck. They take my to the hospital if I’ve taken pills (if i refuse to go they call the police who take me by force). If run away to jump off of a motorway bridge they calk the police to bring me back. They don’t allow me to succeed.

And then mentally I would struggle to put my family through that. I know it would hurt them. But I’ve been thinking. Which is more selfish to killk yourself because you can’t take it anymore, because you can’t deal with things never feeling like they’re getting better .Or is it more selfish to force someone to stick around for your benefit.

For now don’t worry I m safe. But in don’t know how much more this i can take. *giant cyber hugs* to anyone else feeling this way. I seriously hope things improve for you soon.

So yeah that’s the only real update I’ve got. Sorry it wasn’t more positive. Feeling very crappy right now if you can’t already tell.

With love and dinosaur hugs

Alanis xx

Happy siad! (Self injury awareness day)

Happy self injury awareness day everyone!

As most of you will know I have struggled with self harm for many years. I’ve self harmed for nearly 6 years of my nearly 18 years. That’s 1/3 of my life. I started when I was 11 years old. In that time I’ve mutilated my body in just about every way possible, I’ve cut and I’ve burned, I’ve bit and I’ve hit myself. I have many many scars that will never go away.

People seem to think that self harm is for attention, or that you’re doing it because you want to kill yourself. Most of the time that’s wrong, with me for example, I kept it secret for a long time and even when people found out I wouldn’t show people. It wasn’t a will to die either it was a will to live, a will to survive. But statistics do show that self harmers are more likely to commit suicide.

This year it was found that 36% of 16-25 year olds have self harmed at some point. That’s more than one in three, those statistics are terrifying.And that numbers constantly increasing. And its not just white middle class teenage girls, anyone can be a self harmer. Regardless of age, gender, sexuality, social class, race. It does not discriminate.

As of April 12th this year I will be 1 year free of cutting myself. It has been one of the most difficult years of my life, its taken me to the mental limits of my mind. Its taken me to hell and back. I’ve spent countless nights sat up in my bedroom sat in front of a razor, bargaining with myself. Saying too myself, one or 2 cuts won’t make any difference. Praying for strength, and also praying for it all to stop, saying if this is how its always going to be then please just let me die. But after all of that I managed to stick it out and now I’m coming up on a year where I have beaten my need to bleed.

Someone asked me recently if I thought I’d ‘grown out of it’ and I told them no. No I didn’t grow out of it. I have had to battle every single fucking day not to go back to where I was. I have had to push past my addiction, and there’s no doubt about it I was addicted to inflicting harm upon myself. I have done this. I didn’t grow out of it. I fought to overcome it. Like I say I have scars that will never go away, mental and physical. But they’ll fade with time, and I won’t make more. There comes a point where you have to look at your life and work out whether your will to live is stronger than your will to destroy yourself.

This won’t be the last battle in the war against my mind. Every day I’ll have to fight. But I have the support around me so if my resolve does falter I’ll have people that can hold me up when I’m so close to falling.

Thanks for reading.
Alanis x

Losing my shit (Not literally)

8:42pm

I’ve still been having a rough time since my last update. Things have not been good.

I’ve been binging and purging again. I’ve been heading to the bathroom to throw up more than i care to admit. But only after I’ve binged this time around. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it can’t be that bad because i still can control it. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it doesn’t control me. But of course that isn’t the case because if it didn’t control me to some degree i’d just stop, simple as that. But i can’t.

I’ve been going to bed a lot later as I’ve been binging and purging my nights away. Then i’m waking up later but lying in my bed for hours before i actually get up. And then i do the exact same thing the next night. I’m not managing at all. It’s like i have no reason to function anymore. Quite frankly i don’t know what my reason was for functioning in the first place. It honestly feels like i’m battling against an army in my mind and I’ve only got a blind sheep in my corner. I use that analogy because i have no idea what i’m doing or what’s going to come at me next (That’s the blind part) and i just always follow all I’ve ever known which sadly is self destruction (I’m a sheep following the lead) Weird analogy i know but it makes sense to me.

I’ve also been secreting my medication again. Don’t worry i handed in the pills i had. I was secreting because they took away my PRN medication (Extra medication when things are particularly difficult. And i was really struggling at night time, so in my logic i was saving my medication for when i needed it the most. I was still taking my anti depressant and my tic medication. I was only saving my anti-psychotic. Which wasn’t a bright idea. I’ve been hearing and seeing things pretty much constantly but also I’ve been having issues with Somatic hallucinations where i feel things that aren’t there. For the sake of being the least triggering as physically possible i won’t say what I’ve been feeling but lets just say it’s not been nice at all.

I’ve also been suppressing as much as i can which in consequence means i’m in more pain than i should be. Currently i’m in the living room but on my own so i’m letting my tics out more than i have been.

And I’ve been reported missing a few times in the past few days. 3 times in the past 5 days. I get reported missing every time I leave the house and people don’t know where I am. So like if i don’t have my phone on me for people to ring me and make sure i’m OK. They ring the police and i’m officially a missing person. It’s called following the missing from home procedure. I know they have to do it but it still still sucks. But i managed to stay in the house last night and while that may sound like a little thing to you, it’s a really big thing for me at the moment.

I’m trying my hardest to keep my shit together, especially seeing as i have a concert that i’m going to tomorrow. It’s paramore in Manchester. And it’s one of the few things i’m looking forward to at the moment. I’m a bit nervous though because it’s at the Manchester arena where there was a terrorist attack last year at the Ariana grande concert and I have a tics where i shout out Petrol bomb and i’m a terrorist at the top of my lungs. So i’m really nervous about what if i shout that out and what might happen. But i need to stay calm because if i get anxious about it, it’s more likely to happen.

I’ve been trying to distract myself by learning how to crochet, but i couldn’t work it out and so i threw in the towel for tonight. I’ll try again tomorrow but as for tonight i don’t feel able to deal with it. And i don’t have the motivation or the concentration at the moment to be able to focus on my online courses and one of them the content has completely changed halfway through my studying so i need to wait until they get back to me about my email anyway.

So yeah things are not as good as i was hoping for, this new year has been a bit shit so far. I guess it’s can only get better from here though? Right?

With Love and dinosaur hugs

Alanis x

Same shit different year. TW

Don’t worry none of this new year new me bollocks from me. Things have been exactly the same. Quick warning though some of you might find this triggering. So if you are triggered by talk of eating disorders or self injury then please don’t read it.

I came home on the third. And i had my big review meeting like i said i was having in my last post. It went OK. There was the news that my independent reviewing officer (it’s just a posh name) is retiring before my last review. I was quite upset because she’s been there since the beginning. So we’re going to meet up in march for a meal together with my social worker. But yeah apart from that it went OK.

It’s been everything else that’s been difficult. I’ve not been doing too well. On the outside i’m smiling and laughing. On the inside i’m crying and slowly dying. I’m really struggling. And that takes a lot for me to admit. But it’s one thing to admit it to a computer screen and another to admit it in real life. I hate my life at the moment. Sure there’s good things about it, like i’m not saying I’ve got the worst life ever. I have my family and a few close friends. But as a general rule i’m not living i’m existing. I’m getting through the day – barely.

i hate how i can’t look at food as a thing to fuel my body. Food is either my mortal enemy or my only coping strategy. I hate how i had £30 from Christmas money and i desperately wanted to spend it on binge food to throw up and laxatives. I didn’t but i really really wanted to. I hate how i miss using laxatives, don’t get me wrong laxative abuse is horrible. It’s awful sitting there on the toilet for hours on end dehydrating myself because i can’t stand to weigh more than the bare minimum. I despise everything to do with laxatives abuse, it’s expensive, I’ve ended up shitting myself before now, it makes you physically feel like crap, and all you lose weight wise is shit and water. There is literally not one good thing about it. And when you try to stop using laxatives as a form of purging you can’t go for a normal crap. So how on earth do i still miss it??? All i know is i’m not going to stop only two things will stop me. And that’s my ultimate goal weight and death. And my final goal weight is 6 stone, i’m 5 foot 7 so that would be a BMI of 13.15. It’s a case of get to that weight or die trying.

I hate how i haven’t cut for nearly 10 months. And how it feels like I’ve gone 10 months without breathing. I hate that so so much. I hate that my scars are fading and i feel lost without them. I hate how nearly a year clean and i still have razors for that purpose. Like i can’t give them up. I don’t know how I ever will. I would give anything right now to cut. I would like nothing more than to make a fountain with my blood. The image may be horrific in your minds but to me, i don’t think i can think of anything better. I’m trying so hard to get to 1 year without cutting but i don’t think that’s because i want to stop cutting. I think it’s more of a short term goal, more of like an achievement. And because i’m a perfectionist and I’ve set this goal i can’t break it. I don’t think I’ve stopped cutting for good.

I hate how i have little control over my body anymore.  Like I’m in so much pain when i suppress my tics. So there’s not a lot i can do while i’m suppressing because i can’t concentrate. I hate how i can have a fit at any point. I hate how small things like a fork have become dangerous. Because i stab myself with it. I hate how i can’t leave my house alone anymore i’m a danger to myself. It makes me sad to think about how independent i used to be and then to face the reality of now. It’s hard to come to terms with. I hate how people i meet think physically things are ‘not that bad’ because i suppress a lot. And i hate how because i feel more comfortable around certain people i let more tics out, leading people to think that i am ‘putting it on’ because you only have tourettes some of the time.

I hate how i feel like my entire identity is built around my mental illness and my tourettes. I don’t know who i am without them. I know i love animals but after that, it’s anybody’s guess. And i want to scream that i’m not OK. I want to shout it from the rooftops but not even a whisper comes out.

I hate how i don’t have a job or a place at college. I hate how i haven’t done anything with my life over this past year. Not anything good that I’ve stuck to anyway. I don’t know where i’m going wrong. I’m taking my medications. I’m going to my therapy. I’m talking to people as much as i can. I’ve been looking for a job as hard as i can. I’ve been trying to find new coping mechanisms. I’ve tried everything i can think of. And nothing ever EVER helps. I’M FUCKING TRYING SO HARD RIGHT NOW AND IT’S NEVER GETTING ANY BETTER. I had a whole year of fighting for my life last year. I had 3 admissions into a psych ward. I had ligatures and crying until i couldn’t breathe. I had banging my head against a wall. I had screaming, i had praying to god to please just let me die. I had my hopes and dreams crushed right in front of me. I had binges and purges galore. And i had pain, hallucinations and hurt plentiful. I had standing on bridges fighting my demons alone. I had hospital visits after taking pills, i had everything.

And i don’t want to do that this year. But there’s not really an alternative. And that’s the ultimate hate. The fact that i’m in this for the long haul. The fact that nothing getting better is a theme of my life. And there’s fuck all i can actually do about it. I’ve been trying to make changes and every single fucking time the world kicks me down just as i’m trying to get up. And it sucks so much. But i have to go down fighting.

So if there’s one person reading this right now and you get one thing from this let that be that i’m not going down without a fight. And neither should you.

With love and dinosaur hugs

Alanis xx