Trigger warning: Contains talk of ligatures and suicide. Do not read if you feel like this may trigger you.
I’m sorry that I haven’t checked in for a while. Things have been a bit shitty. I look like a fucking damnation currently. Let me explain. I was really struggling last night and I was seriously desperate to cut. I’d tried talking to people, I’d tried distracting myself, I’d tried crying. Nothing was helping. So instead of cutting g i decided that I would ligature. I use the word decided very loosely as I didn’t really think it through. For those who aren’t self harmers or anything like that, ligaturing is when you tie things around your neck. A suspended ligature is when you hang/try to hang yourself. This one was a non suspended ligature though. Anyway this one was really tight, so its left my face in a bit of a mess. When you have a tight ligature on or you have a very violent purge it bursts blood vessels in your face. Which consequently has left me looking like a Dalmatian.
I tried too add a picture but couldn’t figure it out on my tablet.
Its not a good look.
And in the care home that I’m in everyone knows what the Dalmatian look means, so until it goes away I’m having to do the walk of shame everywhere. Im ashamed that I couldn’t keep my shit together and that I faltered.
I really want to kill myself. But I can’t. I can’t physically do it because people always stop me, they cut ligatures off of my neck. They take my to the hospital if I’ve taken pills (if i refuse to go they call the police who take me by force). If run away to jump off of a motorway bridge they calk the police to bring me back. They don’t allow me to succeed.
And then mentally I would struggle to put my family through that. I know it would hurt them. But I’ve been thinking. Which is more selfish to killk yourself because you can’t take it anymore, because you can’t deal with things never feeling like they’re getting better .Or is it more selfish to force someone to stick around for your benefit.
For now don’t worry I m safe. But in don’t know how much more this i can take. *giant cyber hugs* to anyone else feeling this way. I seriously hope things improve for you soon.
So yeah that’s the only real update I’ve got. Sorry it wasn’t more positive. Feeling very crappy right now if you can’t already tell.
With love and dinosaur hugs
Alanis xx
Lifewithamentalillnessandtourettes 